Childicus offspringii

Chances are, if you are reading this post, that you have discovered an infestation at your place.  You may have a houseful of the noisy, destructive little critters, or there may only be one.  Make no mistake about it, even one of these creatures will completely take over your life.

But before you call the exterminators, you need to know that children (childicus offspringii) are legally protected, and I'm told that the penalties are pretty steep should you kill one of them.

"If I can't kill them, what can I possibly do?"  I hear you ask.  There is no need for despair.  True, these pests are wildly varied, so that it's not possible to give a 10-step guide.  Yet with a few carefully implemented strategies, and by following some basic principles, you can drive the little pests away from your home and hearth quite successfully, and then enjoy peace and quiet once again.  

"What do I need to do?"  You ask.  "I'll do anything, just give me my life back!"

Read on ... 

1. Love is a battlefield.  There is no point being a complete villain toward them - the tactic may backfire and see them try to save you from your problems.  Far better to make them think that the problem lies with them.  Make them earn your love and approval.  Nice behaviour and good marks gets affection  and smiles, disobedience gets the cold shoulder.  If there is more than one little devil infesting your home, why not switch affections around depending on who's behaving best?  Keep them on their toes.
   
2. They are going to get angry.  But you can't let something as trivial as their emotions upset your domestic equilibrium.  Force them to bury those ugly feelings deep, deep within - far away from civilised society.  Make sure that they understand that anger is a hideous and unnatural feeling, that they must never bring to the surface, and especially never in your presence.  This will have the delightful side-effect of ensuring that they don't bring any real problems to you, in case their shameful anger comes along too.   And after all, there are plenty of opportunities for them to vent their frustrations at an appropriate time - when they're married, when they're driving, at their workplace.
   
3. These two principles take quite a long time to be effective - anywhere between 18 and 34 years!  But there is no need to lose heart - there is a way that we have found that can shorten this time scale.  The critters will hang around as long as they are sheltered and secure.  Direct action is still illegal, but there are indirect methods that will see the pests actually wanting to leave as soon as they can.  The trick is to get them to believe that their security depends on their behaviour.  Impose a curfew, and then lock the door promptly at curfew time.  Open the kitchen for a few brief moments each day - eat then, or eat not at all.  The restrictions you could impose are limited only by your imagination, but the message remains the same: "You are here under sufferance - none of this is yours."
4. Finally, I know that you will need some hope for day-to-day life while you wait for these strategies to have their effect.  You want some degree of peace and quiet, and you're entitled to it right now!  You should, by now, be aware that a direct confrontation will produce all sorts of noise and inconvenience, so this strategy is simply to avoid confrontation.  Eventually the little monsters will tire of trying to wrestle with a jelly, and will leave you alone.  So let them eat what they want; watch what they want; go where they please whenever they like.  Give them access to video games and the internet (a great way of keeping them quiet, with the added bonus that it relieves you of much of your educational responsibility!).  Am I being inconsistent with principle number 3?  Not at all!  If they want to do something that really inconveniences you, you need to fight back.  But so much of what they do is very little trouble to your life, that it really is easiest just to sit back and let them raise themselves.  

Now if you follow these principles carefully, you should find that the severity and duration of your childicus offspringii infestation is dramatically reduced.

A final word of warning - in some quarters it has been put about that you could actually live with these creatures peacefully, happily and joyfully!  Some authors will actually advocate that you should love unconditionally, allow them to express emotions, provide security and stability, and try to train them up!  Some authors like Ross Campbell who wrote How to really parent your child.  

Be warned: Have nothing to do with such dangerous ideas.  Your life will never be the same if you do!