"Did they just want to get unmarried to each other?"

We'd been talking about people we knew in our last town when my 5-year-old came out with this question.  The couple had separated and were heading for a divorce.  My kids were trying to understand why.  Tricky topic, but a great teachable moment. What is love?  Why do people stop loving each other?

from 1 John 3

I had to explain that sometimes I don't feel like I love them - feelings come and go.  But even when I don't feel loving, I try to do things that show love for them, like making breakfast, like helping them get ready for school, like getting up to them in the night if they have a bad dream.  I usually don't feel like doing any of this, but I do it because I love them.  In fact, it is in doing these things that I am loving them.


Love, first and foremost, is a verb - it is what we do.  We see this in the quote from John's first letter.  What is love (noun)?  We know what it is by Jesus' action in laying down his life.  Not Jesus' feelings towards us; not some tangible thing; not some intangible concept; not even Jesus' passive acceptance of fate; but his active, chosen deed. 

The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life - only to take it up again. No-one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again.

John 10:17-18

Our society misunderstands love.  We are fed the lie that love is how we feel, and that if we feel love, our highest duty and highest good is to act on it.  Conversely, we're told that when we stop feeling love, we need to move on.  As if all our morality hangs on how we feel in the moment.  We get this message in countless novels, movies and tv sitcoms.  We see this message implicit in the celebrity news, in magazines and on lifestyle programs.  


I even heard of a wedding where the couple, writing their own vows, promised commitment to each other for "as long as love shall last".  I suspect that many couples have this rider in mind, even if they don't say so out loud: "I'll be committed to you forever, until I don't feel like it any more."  How romantic.


Real love is active.  It is often hard work.  It is gritty and determined.  It is persistent.  It exists regardless of feelings, and sometimes despite them.

My eldest daughter got it pretty quickly: love is not how you feel, but what you do. 



Who has the strength for such love?  One man only, and he is not me.  Only Jesus has proven equal to such a high ideal.  It is only in Jesus' strength that I can follow Jesus' loving example.