Saturday, November 3, 2012

Sorry

Photograph: Alexandra Bone. From guardian.co.uk
I was talking with some friends recently about helping our kids to learn to apologise.

How do you teach kids how to say sorry so that they mean it (especially when they're very small)? Do you insist on them saying the words (even if they are just going through the motions, and still don't see that they've done anything wrong)? Or do you wait until feelings of sorrow arise, and then teach them how to express themselves? 

The problem with the first approach is that saying sorry becomes a magic formula that gets kids out of trouble:
Hit your sister? No worries! Just say this short spell, and you're transported out of time out and back to the playroom: "I'm sorry"
There's no change in the child's heart. There's no relational change. There's no repentance and no intent to reform. What this approach teaches will end up with children who do a mini version of the "caught-out-celebrity shuffle" - confess to wrongdoing in an appropriate forum (like Oprah or Dr Phil), make a (sometimes tearful) apology, go back to business as usual. The bible refers to this as "worldly grief", which leads to death. It is the very opposite of godly grief, which produces repentance (that change of heart and direction that we crave for our kids) and leads to salvation without regret.

The problem with the second approach is that you can very well end up waiting until your darling child is well into middle age, as President Clinton's parents may well have discovered.

So what to do?

I read or heard recently (and to my shame, I cannot remember the source!) of a suggestion that we try to adopt in our household with our 3-year-old: Speak on his behalf.

As parents, we often have to speak on behalf of our children, and while they are still young, we bear responsibility for their behaviour (as any parent in a home wares or souvenir shop knows!) So now when our son should apologise, but is resistant or lacks understanding, I will take him in my arms, and apologise on his behalf:
"E, I'm very sorry that F hit you. He did the wrong thing, and I'm sure that he's very sorry too. Will you please forgive him?"


How do you encourage your small children to learn to apologise and repent?

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