Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Which kid do I leave behind?

I got a letter the other day - another one asking for money. This one was different, though - it reached out a hand and twisted a knot in my guts. This paragraph particularly:
Australians understand drought. We understand having to leave the fields because there is no water for our crops. But we are not forced to make the choice between abandoning one very sick child or fleeing to a relief camp with your other child who may have a better chance of survival. We don't understand the anguish of getting to that camp after a long and dangerous journey to discover there is not enough food.
The letter was from ChildFund, and was about the famine in the horn of Africa. It really hit my Dad-soft-spot, and my brain started whirling through permutations in my own family: how would I choose between staying to tend my sick child (so endangering my others), and leaving with the healthy ones for a camp? How would I make the call that my sick child is too sick to travel, and should be left behind? Who would I leave them with?


And the endless second-guessing of whatever horrific decision I made? How would I ever sleep afterwards?


In the days that have followed, I have started to reflect on how to introduce such topics to my own children. They are 7, 5 and nearly 2. To date I have not had to think about this - the letters come, we make a donation, the kids know nothing about it. But my 7-year-old is quite bright and perceptive. She is starting to be exposed to things like the 40-hour famine at school. She has already got a Leprosy Mission money box from our church that she periodically drops some change into. I pray all my children will grow up with a desire to alleviate suffering wherever they can. I can see that the process starts here. What do I say to her? How much do I tell?


I don't have any answers yet.  What do you do?


PS.  ChildFund Australia has many projects in the horn of Africa, and has a long-term commitment there. They are involved in both aid and development work. You can donate to their horn of Africa appeal by calling 1800 023 600 or online at www.childfund.org.au. I receive no benefit from ChildFund (although I have been a supporter of them for a long time, so there's some emotional capital invested!)

Monday, August 29, 2011

Olive shoots around my table

Do you enjoy your children?

As I write this I'm sitting in an ancient rectory about 1300 km away from my wife and children. The distance frees me a little from that constant, immediate worry about whether I'm doing the right thing for my kids. And if I'm perfectly honest with myself, it removes the little annoying things that they do, and allows me to reflect on God's grace in giving me those kids and the enjoyment they bring. What a round-about way of saying that I'm missing them!

I love listening to them play together. Most of the time they're pretty good – they cooperate in their games, finding room for everyone in the game. When they argue, I catch myself holding my breath: will they work it out for themselves, or will I need to intervene? (I love it when they work it out for themselves!)

I enjoy when we get the guitar out after dinner (if there's time), and the kids pester me for yet another Colin Buchanan song. Their favourite this month is an old favourite by the prolific songwriter “anon”, with the verse:
The butcher was cleaning the back of his shop
he stopped for a moment to lean on his mop
he sat on the slicing machine with a jerk
and found that he'd got all behind in his work
They are transfixed, and howl with laughter every time we sing it.

I love when they create performances for us. The crowning glory so far was when my daughters and four of their friends created a play for all the parents who were present. The six of us crowded into the darkened auditorium (one of their beds) to watch the stage (the other bed) and the grand performance (five kids whispering to each other about who had to start speaking, and my youngest daughter hiding under a blanket). Suddenly, the door burst open and my smiling, crawling year-old-son started laughing at having found us all sitting in the dark.

I enjoy when I cook a dinner for them that they really love, and they announce that it's going in the “winner dinner list”. I don't get that accolade very often.

I love when my boy won't let me leave his room at night until I've held his hand and prayed with him.

My kids aren't perfect. They are sinners, just like their Dad. There are many ways in which I fail them. But from my current vantage point I can see God's grace to me through them. The words of psalm 128 really resonate with me at the moment:
Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord,
who walks in his ways.
You shall eat the fruit of the labour of your hands;
you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.
Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots
around your table.
Behold, thus shall the man be blessed
who fears the Lord.
The Lord bless you from Zion!
may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem,
all the days of your life!
May you see your children's children!
Peace be upon Israel!
Does this psalm always reflect my feelings about my children and my family? No, of course not. I mess up, and feel guilty about how I parent. I am frequently unsure about how to deal fairly with my children day-to-day. And of course I don't know how my kids will end up. But there is such great hope in psalm 128 – do you see it?

“Blessed are all who fear the Lord”, and “Thus is the man blessed who fears the Lord”.

If I fear the Lord – if I am in awe of Him and walk in His ways – I can trust Him with my children and my parenting. He deals with my parent sins at the cross (just like all my other sins). As I entrust myself to His care and to His way, I find I can prayerfully entrust my children to Him. As my relationship with Jesus grows closer, my anxieties about my children recede and I find I can enjoy them more.

This is my prayer for you (and me) this fathers day:
The Lord bless you from Zion!
may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem,
all the days of your life!
May you see your children's children!
Peace be upon Israel!
Happy fathers day!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Sugar and spice ...

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4

If you have daughters, you will have heard the line "sugar and spice and all things nice, that's what little girls are made of." Well that line was written by a boy who was trying to get a girl - not by a man with daughters! To be sure, there is plenty of lovely things about daughters, but there is no doubt that they are full of all sorts of things that are not all nice. My daughters are a bundle of emotions, even at the tender ages of 7 and 5. They go from playing nicely together one moment, to screaming, physical violence and "I'm not your friend anymore, and I mean it!" the next. They can go from happily relating a fun night at the school disco to a complete teary meltdown because said disco ended 15 minutes early, and said daughter didn't get a spot prize.


I am not a particularly emotional man, so when the emotional whirlwind hits it takes me way outside my comfort zone. I'm definitely not in Kansas anymore, Toto!


My default position (to my shame) is "shut it down". I reach for whatever it takes to switch off the emotional storm - whether sending the offending child out of the room, or back to her bed, or bribing her with treats, or caving in to her requests. Although I know that this is not a good way to raise my daughters, I resort to this tactic all too often. When the crisis hits, my parenting range is too limited to change.


In the last couple of weeks, though, I have started to see a better way. It's nothing to do with me - it has entirely been the Holy Spirit prompting me. God is gracious even in my tiredness and inability to respond immediately to my girls - it has meant a precious few seconds of silence when I can hear the better way that the Spirit is leading me to. He has shown me that the better way is to weather the storm with my daughter, rather than to shield myself from it.


So the other day, when Eldest's voice was again raised in rage at her sister, I could encourage her to use words to express why she was angry, rather than relying solely on her tone of voice to convey the fact that she was angry. (Thanks again to Ross Campbell's book How to really parent your child, and particularly the excellent chapters on helping your children to nullify anger.)


And the other night, when my sleepless child melted into tears hours after the great disco disappointment, rather than blowing my top, I could take her in my arms and talk through her disappointments. I could tell her about similar times I'd had growing up. I could reassure her that she was normal, that she was precious. We could pray together about the tumult in her heart.  


And as we weathered the storm together, we both found that indescribable peace that Jesus promises.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Childicus offspringii

Chances are, if you are reading this post, that you have discovered an infestation at your place.  You may have a houseful of the noisy, destructive little critters, or there may only be one.  Make no mistake about it, even one of these creatures will completely take over your life.

But before you call the exterminators, you need to know that children (childicus offspringii) are legally protected, and I'm told that the penalties are pretty steep should you kill one of them.

"If I can't kill them, what can I possibly do?"  I hear you ask.  There is no need for despair.  True, these pests are wildly varied, so that it's not possible to give a 10-step guide.  Yet with a few carefully implemented strategies, and by following some basic principles, you can drive the little pests away from your home and hearth quite successfully, and then enjoy peace and quiet once again.  

"What do I need to do?"  You ask.  "I'll do anything, just give me my life back!"

Read on ... 
  1. Love is a battlefield.  There is no point being a complete villain toward them - the tactic may backfire and see them try to save you from your problems.  Far better to make them think that the problem lies with them.  Make them earn your love and approval.  Nice behaviour and good marks gets affection  and smiles, disobedience gets the cold shoulder.  If there is more than one little devil infesting your home, why not switch affections around depending on who's behaving best?  Keep them on their toes.
  2. They are going to get angry.  But you can't let something as trivial as their emotions upset your domestic equilibrium.  Force them to bury those ugly feelings deep, deep within - far away from civilised society.  Make sure that they understand that anger is a hideous and unnatural feeling, that they must never bring to the surface, and especially never in your presence.  This will have the delightful side-effect of ensuring that they don't bring any real problems to you, in case their shameful anger comes along too.   And after all, there are plenty of opportunities for them to vent their frustrations at an appropriate time - when they're married, when they're driving, at their workplace.
  3. These two principles take quite a long time to be effective - anywhere between 18 and 34 years!  But there is no need to lose heart - there is a way that we have found that can shorten this time scale.  The critters will hang around as long as they are sheltered and secure.  Direct action is still illegal, but there are indirect methods that will see the pests actually wanting to leave as soon as they can.  The trick is to get them to believe that their security depends on their behaviour.  Impose a curfew, and then lock the door promptly at curfew time.  Open the kitchen for a few brief moments each day - eat then, or eat not at all.  The restrictions you could impose are limited only by your imagination, but the message remains the same: "You are here under sufferance - none of this is yours."
    1. Finally, I know that you will need some hope for day-to-day life while you wait for these strategies to have their effect.  You want some degree of peace and quiet, and you're entitled to it right now!  You should, by now, be aware that a direct confrontation will produce all sorts of noise and inconvenience, so this strategy is simply to avoid confrontation.  Eventually the little monsters will tire of trying to wrestle with a jelly, and will leave you alone.  So let them eat what they want; watch what they want; go where they please whenever they like.  Give them access to video games and the internet (a great way of keeping them quiet, with the added bonus that it relieves you of much of your educational responsibility!).  Am I being inconsistent with principle number 3?  Not at all!  If they want to do something that really inconveniences you, you need to fight back.  But so much of what they do is very little trouble to your life, that it really is easiest just to sit back and let them raise themselves.  
    Now if you follow these principles carefully, you should find that the severity and duration of your childicus offspringii infestation is dramatically reduced.

    A final word of warning - in some quarters it has been put about that you could actually live with these creatures peacefully, happily and joyfully!  Some authors will actually advocate that you should love unconditionally, allow them to express emotions, provide security and stability, and try to train them up!  Some authors like Ross Campbell who wrote How to really parent your child.  

    Be warned: Have nothing to do with such dangerous ideas.  Your life will never be the same if you do!